*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome!
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Our guest this evening: Steven Hawking is our
actual guest this evening.
Very exciting.
But before we begin, a couple of weeks ago,
we did a piece about net neutrality,
and there was a moment in it where we pointed out that
Tom Wheeler, the chair of the FCC, which is tasked
with regulating cable companies,
was previously a lobbyist for the cable industry--
something of a conflict of interest
that we summarized thusly...
That is the equivalent of needing a babysitter
and hiring a dingo.
Sure, it's a little offensive to Australia's
favorite baby-eating animal, but it means much
for the joke.
And you're probably wondering why I'm playing
it again now.
Well, on Friday, the FCC held an open meeting,
and this happened.
I'm just wondering if you watched the John Oliver
segment about net neutrality
and what you thought about it.
[Crowd cheering]
Oh, shit!
That is not good.
So...what did he think?
I think that it represents the, um...
high level of interest that exists in the topic
in the country, and that's good.
Um...
I--I would like to state for the record that
I'm not a dingo.
[Cheering and applause]
OK. First--first, wow!
And second, we never said you were a dingo.
We said you were like a dingo,
but now you're denying it so strenuously,
I'm honestly starting to wonder whether you are
actually a dingo after all.
He even tried to throw us off the scent by
pretending not to know what a dingo even is.
I had to go look it up.
It's a feral, wild animal in Australia.
Here's the thing.
That's exactly the kind of thing
a dingo would say if he didn't want anyone to
know he was a dingo.
I mean, just look at a split screen right now.
The likeness is uncanny.
Think about it.
If you--if you shaved the one on the left, would it
not look a little like the guy on the right?
Because now I have lots more questions, Wheeler,
such as, have you at any time ever consumed
a swamp wallaby for its nutrients?
You probably have, you fucking dingo.
What's your answer to that?
I'm not a dingo.
You--you keep saying that!
But now the burden of proof is on you.
Unless you can produce an official document
verified by a licensed zoologist certifying that
you are, in fact, not a 100% talking dingo, I don't
think you can complain if Americans refuse to leave
you alone in rooms with their babies...
because you'd eat them.
You would eat them.
You filthy dingo.
Moving on.
Moving on to something unfortunately
far more serious, it has been a terrible week
in Iraq, even by Iraq's terrible standards.
REPORTER: Fighters under black flags have marched south
through Iraq.
The cities have fallen one by one, from Mosul
in the north to Saddam Hussein's hometown
of Takrit--more than 200 miles
in a matter of days.
They started on Tuesday and were just outside
Baghdad 5 days later.
Think about that.
They took over a portion of Iraq as quickly as
Amazon can give you complimentary
ground shipping.
The group currently overrunning Iraq calls
themselves ISIS, or the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria,
although they should probably also be
known now as Turbo Al-Qaeda because they didn't
just take over much of Northern Iraq this week.
They went "Ocean's Eleven" on it.
REPORTER: The militants are flush with cash.
They robbed Mosul's central bank, taking over
$400 million according to the city's governor.
It makes them arguably the richest
terrorist group in the world.
Wait.
You made $400 million and exploited half
a country in a week.
What are you, a terrorist group or a hedge fund?
Of--of all--of all the chilling details that
came out about ISIS this week, this one was
perhaps the worst.
REPORTER: ISIS formed in April last year, growing
out of Al-Qaeda in Iraq, but it is so extreme that
Al-Qaeda has now disavowed them.
Wow!
How crazy do you have to be for Al-Qaeda
to distance themselves from you?
That's like Liam Neeson saying, "Look, you're
"going a little overboard trying to save
"your daughter.
"Have you thought about going to the embassy?
Official channels are best."
And finally--finally this week, the president made
a long-overdue this trip.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: President Obama focused
on the struggles of Native Americans today.
He made a visit to the Standing Rock Sioux reservation,
and with his visit today, he becomes
only the fourth sitting president ever to visit
an Indian reservation.
That is pretty amazing.
Only the fourth sitting president to visit ever.
I mean, technically if you count non-sitting
presidents, then Andrew Jackson did visit a lot,
but...you really shouldn't count that.
But he did visit.
Look. You shouldn't count it.
During the visit, the U.S. Department
of Housing and Urban Development announced
they'd be making $70 million available to
improve tribal housing conditions, including
money for mold removal, to which the Native Americans
presumably said, "Oh, finally.
OK, we are officially square.
"It was touch and go for a few centuries there,
"but at the end of the day, all we wanted was
our mold removed."
Actually, there was one other thing
the Native Americans wouldn't mind if we did, and it
concerns the football team for some reason not
yet formerly known as the Washington Redskins.
They still haven't changed their name
despite the launch just this week of a new,
emotionally powerful advertising campaign.
ANNOUNCER: Seminole...
Seneca...
Mohawk...
and Creek.
Mills...
Will Rogers...
Geronimo.
Unyielding, strong, indomitable.
Native Americans call themselves many things.
The one thing they don't...
*
Wow.
I mean, for the average American, that ad should
target 1/16 of your heartstrings and make
the rest feel extremely guilty.
The strongest possible pushback you can have
after watching something amazing like that is,
"Yeah, but, eh...
"no, you're right. You're right.
"We got to change the name.
You're right. You're right."
[Cheering and applause]
But--but one person remains unmoved,
and unfortunately he is the only one
that matters.
Redskins owner Dan Snyder has held firm under some
protest that he will not change the nickname
of his team.
WOMAN: "Washington Redskins is
"more than a name we have
"called our football team for over 8 decades.
"It is a symbol of everything we stand for--
strength, courage, pride, and respect."
Oh, that's fine, then.
I had no idea you had an ancient 8-decade history
at stake here.
You are clearly a proud people who have
suffered greatly.
Please accept my apologies,
O Chief Runs Without Moral Compass.
It is--it's getting...
[Applause]
It's getting increasingly hard to make a good
argument for keeping the Washington Redskins name.
If only there were some emotionally affecting way
to convey that.
*
ANNOUNCER: There are many positions that can
be defended.
Steven Tyler's still got it.
Cauliflower is the king of vegetables.
Camping is actually fun.
Music you never tire of: Mariachi.
Weasels make the cutest pets.
You should leave that fourth voicemail.
Every flight needs more babies.
[Baby crying]
If you don't learn to play the recorder, you're fucked.
Philadelphia is the cultural capital
of America.
If you want to get laid, become a magician.
Nancy Grace seems nice.
But the one position that can't be defended
is this...
[Cheering and applause]
Seriously, though...
playing the recorder sets you up for life, seriously.
Now, moving on, I'd like to talk
about immigration tonight.
Now, clearly, I have a vested interest
in this subject.
8 years ago, I journeyed to America from across
the sea like a human Fievel.
* Somewhere out there
* Beneath the pale moonlight *
Immigration has always been part
of the American story, and it has definitely
been part of the American story this week.
NEWS ANCHOR: House Majority Leader
Eric Cantor going down to
defeat to an unknown
economics professor
by the name of Dave Brat.
REPORTER: The big issue was immigration.
Brat told Republican voters in Virginia's
conservative 7th District that Cantor
would support President Obama
on immigration reform.
WOMAN: This means immigration reform is 100% dead.
Immigration reform: dead,
and it's probably dead
for the rest of
the Obama presidency.
Immigration reform is dead.
Dead.
Dead as a doornail.
So let's break this down.
Immigration reform, one of the most important
issues facing America, has been doornailed to
death by 65,000 Republican primary voters
who could be bothered to turn up on a Tuesday
500 miles from the nearest border.
The system works!
Although...
although let's be honest.
Immigration reform was already dead.
it's just that Congress has put a hat
and sunglasses on it and propped it up, hoping no
one would notice,
which is a real shame
because if you've been watching the news at all
this week, you may have seen the evidence of just
how badly our immigration system is broken--
not just the heartbreaking photos of hundreds
of children being held in detention facilities
in Arizona, but also this.
Here's the issue: if you want to go
from, let's say, El Salvador
to right here, to Mission, Texas,
if you want to go with a VIP coyote,
the guys that bring you in illegally,
it's gonna cost you about $9,000.
If you want to do it on the cheap,
it's gonna cost you about $2,500.
If you want to cross the border right
here on the river behind me
on a jet ski, that's gonna cost you
an additional $500 or $600.
That is a weird tone of voice to be using.
Is that guy delivering a news report or
an infomercial?
Look.
Call the number on the bottom of your screen
right now, and you won't just get a jet ski ride
and the coyote access, you'll get a counterfeit
Social Security card and, for some reason,
a Thighmaster.
Call now!
I will say, though, I think most people would
agree anyone who manages to immigrate into America
on a jet ski probably belongs here.
That's--that's a universal truth.
But--but the immigration issue always provokes
a strong response, and that's not just
an American trait.
That is true the whole world over.
The French want to preserve their way
of life and don't want to adopt the cultures,
traditions, and customs of these foreigners.
MAN: We are fighting for a Dutch society
without immigrants.
REPORTER: Bulgaria is constructing
a 30-kilometer fence
along part of its border with Turkey.
MAN: When these Romanians or Bulgarians come here,
you're gonna have a problem.
You haven't seen crime yet, but you will.
Raah!
That last one honestly makes me so homesick.
That is the music of my youth.
I lost my virginity to the sound of a man
ranting about Bulgarians.
So--so basically, immigration is
the universal crazy maker, and believe me, I know.
I come from England.
Hating immigrants is one of our national pastimes.
It's like cricket or winning Academy Awards.
We're almost weirdly good at it.
And we've been doing it for years.
Well, of course, there are far too many
immigrants in this country.
When will the public wake up to the fact that you
cannot put a quart into a pint bottle?
My wife and I used to like to go out weekends,
down to the local, have a couple of drinks,
meet friends in there.
We can't go into the locals anymore.
They're full up with noisy foreigners.
After going through two world wars, we should
at least have the dignity of being allowed to live
with our own kind.
That lady missed some key lessons
from those world wars.
"The Nazis must be defeated so we can create
an England pure of race and genetically superior."
At least--but look.
At least England has an excuse for being
that stupid.
It's just too old.
Americans don't have that excuse.
You're a young enough nation that you can
actually dress up like your earliest ancestors
in this country.
If you asked an English person to do that, they'd
show up looking confused, wearing a cloak
and deer antlers and waving a wand around.
"Is this it?
"Merlin went through a wardrobe.
Is this it?"
Immigrants have been good to America.
They've created some of your most
American things.
"God Bless America"-- written by a Siberian.
Levi's jeans--a Bavarian.
The White House--designed by an Irishman.
Superman--a Kryptonian, who--who was co-created
by a Canadian.
And in return, America has been good
for immigrants.
Sure, yeah, people should not come here illegally,
but can you blame them?
It's great here.
You guys--yes.
You guys have done-- it's awesome.
And you guys have done an amazing job
of branding yourselves.
This is the land of Captain America,
the Mall of America,
American Girl dolls,
the "American Pie" movies.
I mean, think, you took the most iconic foodstuff
in this land and monetized a movie
about fucking it.
Is it any wonder people want to live here?
I did, and it's worked out great.
So--so if America is good for immigrants
and vice versa, why do some people want to clamp down
on immigration?
Let's start by asking the man who pushed the issue
to the fore this week, Eric Cantor's vanquisher
Dave Brat.
BRAT: We clearly cannot import 7 billion people
on the planet into the United States of America.
It's just a non-starter.
Yeah, except no one's saying we should import
7 billion people.
Congratulations, Dave.
You've just constructed a straw man so large,
you could burn it in the desert and hold
an annoying festival around it.
And--and the thing is, that's the problem
with the immigration debate right now.
Those like me and most Americans who would like some
kind of immigration reform have our voices
drowned out by--and, look, this is gonna sound
a little bit prejudiced, but drowned out by a lot
of opinions unsupported by documentation.
Let's call them "undocumented opinions,"
which have flooded all over this country,
threatening the American way of life.
If only--if only we could build some kind
of barrier to protect ourselves from them--
a fence, if you will, of facts.
Let's try.
Here comes one of those undocumented opinions
right now.
You're bringing in workers to take jobs from
unemployed Americans.
Oh, that's just a classic.
Undocumented workers take American jobs.
The problem with that is that it's not true,
but it feels like it might be--
like bears only have sex face to face or...
or...
or every vagina starts closed,
and doctors have to happen it...
or the only difference between
peanut butter and mustard is the amount of salts,
because--because multiple sources,
including the conservative American Enterprise Institute,
have said there is no evidence of immigrants hurting
American employment.
Just as, I repeat, there is no evidence that bears
only have sex face to face.
They only do it sometimes on anniversaries.
Just...
OK, so...
"Look at me!
Happy birthday!"
OK.
OK. So what's another undocumented opinion that
needs to be stopped from entering people's
ears illegally?
For every one who's a valedictorian,
there's another 100 out there that
they weigh 130 pounds, and they got calves
the size of cantaloupes because they're
hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert.
What?
What did you just say?
Calves the size of cantaloupes?
That is magnificent.
I mean, put aside that there are countless
studies that debunk the notion that immigrants
are especially prone to crime at all, and just
relish for a moment how he poetically presented
that bigoted bullshit.
Cantaloupe calved, they did burrow
through the border,
their arms moist and sinewy like ropes
upon a ship's mast.
I might hate what you're saying, Steve King, but I
sure do love the way you say it.
But even if you can stop the undocumented
arguments that when immigrants aren't
stealing American jobs, they're acting as
melonesque drug mules, there is one argument
that still always seems to get through.
This is President Obama's number one political
agenda item because he knows we will never again
have a Republican president, ever, if
amnesty goes into effect.
Right. Right. OK. OK.
So...
[Applause]
So the argument is we can't let the immigrants
in because they'll never vote for us, to which--
to which I might have a solution.
What if--and this is gonna sound crazy--
you just tried treating them better?
Maybe...
maybe even as if-- I don't want to
push you outside your comfort zone--maybe even
as if they're human beings who might have
something hypothetically to offer the country.
Because, let me tell you, I've been through
the immigration process under the best possible
scenario, and it was still hell.
At this point, the poem in the base of
the Statue of Liberty--
"Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses"--
is starting to constitute false advertising.
I would say the FCC should get involved,
but they're currently being run by
a human dingo.
I am not a dingo.
Yeah. Prove it!
Prove it!
That's on you!
Look.
Look. Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
I was 10 years old when I first saw
"An American Tail," and I thought, "Yes!
"That looks delightful.
"Sure, there's a moldy, unpleasant boat ride
"at the beginning, but after that, you get to
"take a flight around New York on an inexplicably
French pigeon."
But to the modern immigrant, that film is
now a lie, a lie told by a friendly rodent.
So--so if we can't update our immigration policy,
at the very least we need to update that movie to
reflect what the current immigration experience is
actually like.
NARRATOR: In 2014, a little mouse made
a big journey to a faraway land.
America!
What a place!
It's "An Actual American Tail."
[Foghorn blows]
That'll be 500 for you and your whore sister.
But, sir, my sister asphyxiated
a few days ago.
That right?
That'll be another hundred to ditch
the corpse, then.
Oh.
NARRATOR: Human rights critics call
"An Actual American Tail"...
and...
You've never seen America till you've seen it
though Fievel's eyes.
Listen. These mice come over here,
they take our jobs and eat our cheese,
and what do we get in return?
Nothing. I'm sick of it.
They need to go back to whatever mouse hole
they crawled out of.
NARRATOR: Find out what happens when Fievel is
forced to take a job at a mousetrap factory.
Ow!
I'm gonna deduct the cost of that trap from your pay,
you piece of shit.
And discover what you do when you can't risk going
to the emergency room.
And coming next year, watch what happens when
Fievel tucks his severed tail between his legs
and attempts to come back legally in...
I'll go home and come back the right way.
Featuring 9 solid hours of Fievel being gradually
crushed by a broken system, hamstrung by
the lack of any political will for reform
with endless waiting, livened up by
the occasional mandatory blood test.
Ow!
Watch as Fievel fills out forms,
calls the attorney he can't afford,
and lives in a state of constant panic that
his application will be
denied for reasons such as...
or even...
Yes, next summer, bring the family, and watch
the heartwarming tale of Fievel becoming both
inmate and executioner in a prison of his own mind.
[Crying]
You can do it, Fievel.
You can do it!
It's just going to be impossibly,
impossibly hard.
And now this.
ANNOUNCER: Across a broad expanse
of history there have been billions upon
billions of idiots, as well as a handful
of smart people.
We interviewed some of the latter group for our
ongoing series...
This week's people who thinks good...
[Cheering and applause]
OLIVER: Professor Stephen Hawking is a pioneering
physicist, international best-selling author,
and a popular guest character on "The Simpsons."
If you are looking for trouble, you found it.
Yeah, just try me, you--
Ohh!
OLIVER: His breakthrough work on black holes
and string theory is considered hugely
important by anyone who pretends to
understand it.
HAWKING: An expanding universe does not preclude
a creator.
OLIVER: I traveled to the Department of Applied
Mathematics and Theoretical Physics
at Cambridge University to speak with one
of the world's greatest living minds.
First off, congratulations on being
the first subject of our "Great Minds" series.
Be honest.
Is this the single greatest honor you
have ever received?
Yes.
Good.
It's a little hard to read your tone of voice.
When you say that, are you being sarcastic?
Yes.
I thought so.
If there was one thing you want people to
understand about your work, bearing in mind
that most people will never
understand anything about your work,
what would that thing be?
Ugh. Idiots.
People are such idiots because presumably,
to my mind, you're simply talking
about the theoretical measurement obtained
from real time by a Wick rotation
of Pi divided by two in the complex plane
where t=r times t.
It's not difficult to get your head around.
Um, let's talk about artificial intelligence.
In a recent op-ed column,
you said, and I quote,
"Success in creating artificial intelligence
"would be the biggest event in human history.
Unfortunately, it might also be the last."
Are you saying that robots are going to
destroy humanity, and is that a scientific
argument or the pitch for an amazing movie?
I know you're trying to get people to be
cautious there, but why should I not be
excited about fighting a robot?
Well, OK. To start,
we don't know that, do we?
We don't know that for sure because what could
a robot do that I couldn't then fight back
by simply just unplugging him, right?
Holy shit! That's the most terrifying
story I've ever heard.
Yes. Hold on.
Who is talking to me right now?
Is it you, or is the sentient computer
pretending to talk on your behalf?
Yeah, but how do I know that, professor?
Because if computers have become sentient,
what better way to convince people they haven't than
by co-opting the voice
of the most intelligent man on the planet?
Yeah, but who's saying that, Stephen,
you or the machine?
OK. All right.
Well, that's actually quite reassuring.
You've stated that you believe there could be
an infinite number of parallel universes.
Does that mean there is a universe out there
where I am smarter than you?
OK. All right. Look.
If you're so smart, what number am I thinking of?
13.
Do you--it--it it was 13.
I was thinking of 13.
OK, that was a lucky guess.
What am I thinking right now?
I wasn't thinking that.
Why would I think that?
You know, I'm trying as hard as I can.
Why is that so hard for them to understand?
Hypothetically.
I wasn't thinking that.
Let's do some quick yes or no questions.
Are the following things technically possible?
Life on other planets--is that
theoretically possible?
Yes.
OK.
Uh...what about a Schwarzschild wormhole?
Yes.
OK. What about this?
Me going on a date with Charlize Theron?
No.
Not at all, in no universe?
No.
In none of the infinite universes
does that happen?
No.
It's completely beyond the bounds of scientific
possibility, is what you're saying?
Yes.
Uh, quick follow-up question.
In any of those potential universes,
am I the one rejecting her
and that's why it doesn't work out?
No.
OK, sure, yeah.
It's just I'm trying to play this out
because I'm just trying to see
if there was any hypothetical hope.
No.
It doesn't matter, but never say never.
OK.
If time travel were possible, would you want
to go back in time and refuse to do
this interview?
Yes.
You truly are an incredibly smart man.
Stephen Hawking, thank you so much for your time.
That's our show.
Thank you so much for watching.
My huge thanks to Stephen Hawking.
If you want to watch the extended interview
with him, go here.
Thanks very much. Have a good week!
[Cheering and applause]